The Perfect Handshake

I don’t like handshakes.

There! I said it. I don’t like them. 

To start with I have never been able to master this simple mode of modern greetings used by the mankind. But more importantly there is always this constant concern on my mind, about the places that hand has been before it was forced into my palms.

We Indians love to take our hands to places. I will stop there and not elaborate further. But I have this little paranoia of being in the same places indirectly when I shake hands with another gentleman.

I don’t mind shaking hands with the fairer class, as it is my assumptions that they are more concerned about personal hygiene than the class I belong to. This is my part of mistrust and I can’t help it.

The second (or rather the first) issue is I don’t know what makes a perfect handshake. Should the grip be firm or loose, hands should be vertical or horizontal, shall I use both my hands, what is the ideal duration for which we should hold our hands (without being branded gayish), shall I lean forward or stand straight, who should initiate the handshake are some of the numerous questions that starts plaguing my mind as soon as I see a situation where I might have to shake hands with the other person.

Who should initiate?

I have no problems in initiating the handshake, but what if other person does not respond. There is a small but real chance of that happening. Does the “Perfect Handshake Manual by the Ministry of Hands” say something about it?

The firmness of the grip is another concern that bothers me very much. I was asked to shake hands time and again because my boss didn’t think my grip was firm enough. How much I wanted to tell him, that I just did not want to hurt him. After all he represents our country in one of the sports. But finally I mastered the technique, only to be confused the next time.

It was a sort of uneasy whine when I used the same firm grip on one of my female colleagues. So here was my lesson, never use the same grip for everyone.

I admit it. I am the king of the “handshake goof-ups” and if there was ever a record book to maintain the same, I will win the crown hands-down.

While cant we simply abolish this germ-ridden tradition and replace it with our simple Hindustani Namaste is difficult for me to understand. You don’t have to worry about the grip, duration, who initiates it, and other such mundane details. And for a change I might be able to abdicate my throne. 

Jindal Diary: Bilaspur to New Delhi

Why do they have a board saying “Foot Over Bridge” on the Foot Over Bridge itself? As if I was somehow going to miss the tiny bridge with stairs and wonder how to cross to the next platform. Or worse still, a person comes to the FOB and realizes “Oh my God! How do I use this thing, I don’t even know what to call it!” What would have made sense is a board placed some distance prior to the FOB telling the person to expect a FOB so that he does rams into the tiny FOB.

Have you ever faced a problem because of abundance of facilities? It so happened, that to catch a connecting train I had to wait on the platform for nearly 6 hours. The platform where I was supposed to wait had in fact too many facilities available for my comfort? Yes! You heard me right, the station and platforms are so well equipped that it is creating a nuisance for you. The intellectuals in you might argue, why I didn’t use the waiting room.

I have a basic problem with the waiting rooms. Somehow I don’t like the look and feel of waiting rooms. I hate waiting. And waiting rooms are especially made for waiting. So as I enter a waiting hall, it reminds me that I am waiting for something. It does not suit me. Hence I prefer to choose a quite little corner on a platform, sit there. Once seated properly I either watch some series or complete that novel I was reading last time.

Now in this particular platform, I went from end to end and there were lots of corners with very little commutation of people. There was one little problem though!

The platform has so many appropriately distanced loud speakers, that it was impossible for me, to find a place where I won’t be hearing the constant announcements of coming trains. Apart from the sound, it irritated me as it sort of teased me, “look buddy, here comes the next train, when is yours coming?”

I will cross one speaker and start moving away from it, feeling really happy as the sound will start diminishing and then suddenly I would enter into the zone of the next speaker. It was really difficult.

Talk of extremes and I have it all. During one of my journeys I travelled a whole 6 hours standing on one foot in the general compartment that was so cramped that even a Raju Shrivastav joke won’t do justice to it. And here I am, sitting in a 3^rd AC coach, occupying one seat and having reservation for two seats.

Haha! Twists of life, they amaze me. Some might ask why I book two seats if I was travelling alone. Well the scene is that it was not always like this. You make plans with someone and they agree upon it, you get the tickets booked only to face despair and disappointment.

Sitting in front of me are two Punjs aunties. Now why do I hate (don’t like) people who give away their ethnicity just by the way they dress. I have nothing against Punjs. Even it was two Marwari, a sect to where I belong; I would not have liked it. To top it all they are talking in the regional language. Now I realize that I was living in a myth. I was under the impression that I like Punjabi language but that was Gurdas Mann playing tricks with me.

The parts of India I know

I was watching the movie “Shor in the city” along with my roommate. For those of all who have not watched the movie, rent a DVD right now and watch the movie.

There are 2-3 storylines in the movie. In one particular story an NRI wants to set up a small business in India. He comes back to Mumbai and opens up an office, when some thugs show up and demand protection money from the person.

The room-mate: I can’t understand why the two people are harassing this NRI dude.

On explaining him that they are asking for the protection money, he is not convinced.

I was a bit surprised, as I can totally relate to this issue. I don’t know about the rest of ‘Shining India’, but the parts of India where I come from this kind of demand is not unheard of. It is not that uncommon as well. Only unlike the movie, the people demanding this kind of money live in huge mansions, with strong political connection having their own rivalry to take care of.

Eventually I want to settle back in my hometown with some kind of a business model suited to the place. And I am mentally prepared to shell the protection money. To be honest, before watching the movie, I never thought that these kinds of thing are some rarity. This is how the India I know works. And it will be very long before the force of Anna can do anything about it.

As for my friend, I guess, he was unable to relate to this part as he does not belong to a business family. Or maybe some other reason, that I don’t wish to analyze. 

Jindal Diary: Jo dikhta hai wo hamesha sach nahi hota

I would like to make two statements.

1.      Am i not entitled some peace of mind? I will come back to this statement in a while.

2.      Meanwhile, I just realized that my plant is BIG. And when I say, big, I mean really big.

So, today it so happened that ‘This Lazy A$$’ finally went to meet his supervisor. TLA$ calls up his supervisor.

Supervisor: Ok, second half mein milte hai hum log. Baithte hai ek sath fir.

TLA$: OK Sir! I will be there in the second half.

There is a small flaw here, but. What exactly does ‘second half’ mean? The second half is highly subjective. Do we divide the day into two equal halves at the two 12s? Or do we follow the company’s timeline and divide the day into pre lunch and post lunch period. The post lunch period will then become the second half.

The part of exact timing comes into the picture once we have made the extremely difficult decision of dividing the day in two halves. If someone is expecting me in the second half then shall I drop at his office at the dawn of second half? What if, I decide to meet him when the second half is coming to an end, say just 2 minutes before 12 midnight? Technically I will be meeting him in the second half and he can’t say that I am late. How can I be late? You asked me to meet in second half and here I am.

It is like the case when someone asks, “give me a call sometimes next week.” So am I eligible to call past 12 midnight on Saturday? What does it mean!

So I propose a motion to ban the usage of such ambiguous statements. 

I learnt one more important lesson today.

Jo diktha hai wo hamesha sach nahi hota.

04: 00 pm: To TLA$ chal pade apne Manager se milne. Hostel se nikal ke main road per aaye to samne dikhne laga Blast Furnance-2 or BF2. There was the option of calling a cab from garage, but why bother! BF2 to nazro ke saamne hai.

 04:10 pm: TLA$ is still walking and yes BF2 is visible and very near.

04:25 pm: BF2 is still visible and now the board inviting you to BF2 is also visible. TLA$ is still walking.

04:40 pm: TLA$ reaches BF2 office, only to realize his manager has gone to some audit meeting and in all probability won’t be coming back to the office.

Awww! That was the exact expression on TLA$’s face.

It is now the time to discuss the second statement. Yaar, ye India chup chap ek match kyu nahi jeet sakti.

Bhai 7 balls, 4 runs. This is the age of twenty-20 cricket. Matches are won from much more precarious situations. And they manage to lose this one. A loss, it is for me, not a draw. And I am very unhappy.  

My encounter with the Big Boss

Yes! I admit it.

I was eagerly waiting for the Big Boss episode to be aired on November 21, 2011. And for obvious reasons, I would say. I am not a fan of reality shows, especially not of Big Boss. But then the producers pulled a gem of a trick and enticed even an audience like me to their show.

I checked the website about the timings and then waited eagerly for the clock to strike 22:30. I switched to the channel Colors.

To my dismay I had to endure the chitter-chatter of contestants, whom I hardly recognized. I knew the name of some of the contestants but it was hard to put a name to the faces. I have been reading about certain Miss Pooja Mishra and her antics. But I could find her in the crowd. The chats were more annoying because I did not know about the history of some of the fights and the kind of equations people share with each other. But then I thought in my mind that this was all a passing drama to the main attraction.

And suddenly the music started playing 'Chalia, Chalia, Chalia' song from Tashan. I had already read in the news about the style of her entry, so I knew that was it. Being isolated from the whole world can really do funny stuff to people, even to celebrities. So here they were watching the Palki carrying our star as if this is the first time they are seeing something like this.

It reminded me of my childhood days. Our home was situated near a railway crossing. Remember those were the days of FB-negative, iPad-negative and mostly electricity-negative. So every time a train passed from the tracks, we would run near the track and line up just to watch the train pass.

Haha! I am not making this up. It is the truth.

Ok, cut back to the Big Boss house.

Now I am really thinking about the male contestants here. Do they recognize her or feign ignorance about her.  Obviously they must know her. But quite simply they have a girlfriend or a wife to return to. And if they recognize her then back home they will have explaining to do.

So our boys did the smart thing. As soon as she stepped out of the ‘Palki’ carrying her, all three male contestants went into a corner and started discussing something. So the fort was left open to the female contestants. Now I am not sure how many of them actually knew her. From the look on their faces, nobody recognized her. Obviously how can you recognize her by looking at her face! If you get, what I mean to say.. :P

One female contestant: Who are you? (obviously in a polite manner)

Our guest of Honor: I am Sunny Leonne.

This was the time I came to know that her second name is pronounced as Leo+ nay.

Another female contestant: What do you do?

SL: (slightly taken aback)- actor

Ah! Why would you do that? I thought. I accept you the way you are. And this is the answer you came out with.

Meanwhile SL: (continuing)- I do modelling and stuff...

Me: (thinking) what are the brands that she can endorse? Can’t think of any right now.

She is taken inside. We are shown another footage with some time already passed.

Another female contestant: (without taking her eyes of SL's face and trying really hard to recognize her) I have seen you somewhere. Where have I seen you? Or, rather where should have I seen you?

SL: (seriously produces a gem of an answer)- Google

Oh! I like you ingenuity. Now that is one answer that is totally true. You just have to key in the right keywords. :D

Pooja Bedi: (yes, I do recognize her. She is the bitch who ditched Aamir Khan and chose Deepak Tijoriwala)- So why did they chose you. I mean, how did they contact you?

SL: maybe, they have seen me on internet.

Again, a classic answer! Can’t deny it!

Till evening, it was all normal and it was actually refreshing to see her in Indian attire. As for the next episode, well I am not too excited for that. This was it for me. I just wanted to see how she will behave fully clothed in an Indian setup. And I must admit that I was not at all disappointed. 

My airtel customer care story

November 17, 2011 (Time 6:30 pm)

Scene 1: My friend comes into my room and says that he can’t connect to my phone. I check my phone, and find that the postpaid sim I am using is displaying a “Invalid Sim” message where it previously said “airtel”.

Act 1: I take my friend’s post paid airtel connection and dial 121- the customer care number.

Irritating Computer Voice (ICV): For Hindi press 1, for Chattisgarhi press 2, for English press 3.

I press 3. So far so good!

ICV: Please enter your ten digit mobile number.

I enter my mobile number.

The computerized voice says, “You have exceeded your input limit, we are connecting you to our Customer care rep (CCR)”.

What the hell! It was you who asked me to enter the 10 digit mobile number. But I don’t care because they are connecting me to the CCR.

CCR: Namaskar, mera naam Lokesh hai

Me: (slightly surprised on the Hindi introduction as I chose option ‘3’ for English).

Well, I don’t have any problem with Hindi conversation, but why the hell then provide the option to choose the language at the first place, if it does not matter to airtel.

Me: Mera naam so and so hai aur mera number hai ......

 After these customary introductions I tell him my problem that my postpaid sim is not working. It stopped working suddenly without any warning.

CCR: Sir, aap hamare bahumulya customer h (or something similar shit)... aapke number se lag rha hai ki ye ek postpaid number hai.

Me: (thinking in my head) - Thank you, Einstein for reminding me.

Yes, says me.

CCR:Sir, again that random shit about me being their bahumulya customer... hum yeha per aapki koi madad nhi kar payenge. This is the prepaid CC. Please contact our post paid CC centre.

Me: !!!

Now I realize language option should have been least of my concern. These geniuses have the intelligence to separate pre-paid from post-paid CC. But not the intelligence to direct me to post paid CC when I am calling from a post paid number.

Well I just wanted my number to be activated, so I told him that I am calling from a post paid number then why the hell is my call connecting to a pre paid CC.

He again says the random shit about me being Bahumulya Customer and airtel being sorry for the inconvenience. None of which really matters to me really.

He provides me the number to post paid customer care- 9893012345. He informs me that it is again a toll free number like 121. He also takes the liberty to inform me that any call made at 121 will be redirected to the pre-paid CCR.

Act2: I disconnect the call, and dial 9893012345.

Well, well, well! What do we have here?

The computerized voice informs me in Chattisgarhi language: The number you have dialled does not exist. Please check the number and dial again.

Me: WTF! Your moronic lady behind that recorded computer voice. Do you realize it is your CCR that gave me that number?

I have to get my number activated, I realized. So again I decide to dial 121.

ICV: For Hindi press 1, for Chattisgarhi press 2, for English press 3

I press ‘3’, realizing the futility of the operation. But language is really not my concern at the moment.

The irritating Computer Voice (ICV): You have not chosen any option, please choose your option or wait for us to repeat.

Me: (checks on the screen if I pressed the option or not. Then I thought maybe the Blackberry costing nearly 21k might be malfunctioning and this moronic ICV is right.)

I again press 3.

ICV: You have not chosen any option, please choose your option or wait for us to repeat.

I again press 3.

ICV: (after some moments) - For Hindi press 1, for Chattisgarhi press 2, for English press 3

I again curse the useless 21k BB and press 3.

ICV: You have not chosen any option; please press your 10 digit mobile number.

Me: (thinking, what a useless handset, entered the 10 digit mobile number)

ICV: Thank you for calling Airtel, some random shit about me being important to Airtel.

Call Disconnects!!

Me: What just happened?

Act 4: I again call 121, expecting a request to choose the language option.

 I could not have been more wrong.

ICV: Thank you for calling Airtel, some random shit about me being important to Airtel.

Call Disconnects!!

Me: What! Please don’t take away the fun of choosing a language option from me. I really like to pass my time by calling the moronic Airtel CC.

Act 5: I Dial 121, expecting anything now.

I was expecting something new this time. Again I could not have been more wrong.  

ICV: Thank you for calling Airtel, some random shit about me being important to Airtel.

Call Disconnects!!

Act 6: repeat of Act 5. Only this time I was ready to be surprised.

Act 7: Repeat of Act 6 and Act 5.

.

.

.

Act n: Still trying to connect

Now I realize. What a moron I am. Calling CCR is for illiterate fools who don’t know to use the internet. The internet is all very powerful.

So I enter www.airtel.in

Click on the contact tab.

What do I find here!

Incase you are calling from airtel mobile, please contact us on 121.

Me: ____________________________________________ (it is the state of my mind right now)

I am not ready to give up yet now.

I turn to twitter. Search for Airtel and find the airtel official twitter page. There I see some tweets from airtel apologizing to some of its customer for the inconvenience and informing them of the next plan of action.

I feel happy. Oh! So the Airtel guys respond on twitter.

I send two tweets to them about my situation.

Not to take things lying down. I switch to FB. Find Airtel page.

There were so many unhappy customers on this page, I really felt sorry for Airtel and thought against saying anything on this page.

...

...

...

Instead of waiting I thought of writing this blog

For general information purpose, my sim is still not working. As for the grammar and sentence formation, please excuse me. As the things that come straight out of the heart don’t follow the boundaries set by the rules of grammar. What’s important are my emotions and my non functional Sim.

Airtel, please help me.

And as I was about to post this blog, I get a tweet from Airtel that says, “Hi, Our apologies for the unpleasant experience.please allow us some time to arrange a call back for you.Thanks”

I replied: “how will you call back, u didnt ask for my number!!”

I again got a tweet from Airtel this time asking me to DM (direct message) my contact details. For twitter illiterate people DM is sending a private message that will be visible to only the intended recipients as opposed to the general tweet.

Again a tweet from Airtel: “Thanks for sharing ur contact details, will arrange a call back for u.”

Well so far I am satisfied, apart from my non-functioning Sim card.

In the meanwhile if my issue is resolved I will get blog it back. 


Novermber 18, 2011 (3:30 pm)
Still waiting for Airtel to call me back. Meanwhile I have sent another twitter to twitter reminding them of their commitment. 


November 18, 2011 (6:00 pm)
I have mixed feelings. Got a call from Airtel, so I am happy, but there is some problem with my Sim card from my end. So I am unhappy. 
But atleast I was able to contact Airtel CCR and ask about my problems. Nothing beat that feeling... :D 

My crossroad

Everybody faces a cross road. It is like I have reached my own.

I don’t know if the whole world conspiring to get you your wish is true or not, but it seems like I am in the middle of one such conspiracy by the universe.

When I was a child my worst nightmare was following the lifestyle of my parents or my sister or everybody around me. It is another matter that at that point of time I thought I will make much more money than all of them and hence my life would be different.

It seems like I was right about one thing but not the other. I still fear treading the same lifestyle and yet here I am, doing exactly everything in the same manner albeit in a better environment. I am making a little more money but that is not calming me.But it is not through money I want to make my life different but it is by following my passion. My dream of seeing the whole world. 

I am slowly realizing that it is not money that I want but financial security is what I am looking for. Not for my family not for my kids (yet to be born) or for my future married life. I just want some financial security so that I can follow my passion.

Each day in the job is getting more and more routine. To be honest, there is nothing wrong in the job profile, nothing wrong with the organization I am working for. The company is taking really good care of me. It is just that it is forcing me to become another brick in the wall.

What if this is the only life I have got, what if my karma does not allow me to be reborn as a human being again. Will I rue the change that I have missed? There is so much to see and so much to do and I am wasting my time here. It is sounding like another maniacal blabber to me, but this time I am not going to give up. I am actually looking for options. I am not looking for options to get a better job, for me at this point of time every job is the same. Every job is taking me a day away from my true reckoning.

I regret the days I wasted pursuing education. Why did I have to join a job at all? Why couldn’t the people around me motivate enough and give me courage to leave everything and give the things I love a try atleast once.

Every passing moment I am making the decision. Should I leave the job, should I leave everyone I know behind? Because they are the one tying me down, not with their emotional love or bonding, I am too mature to get tied down by it. But with their idiotic logic that I have to earn some money, pay off my loan, fulfil their dreams, build a house one can live in, buy a car, get married, etc. But in all these don’t I get the right to become selfish?

Some might laugh at the idea but I feel that the places around the world are waiting for me. They are calling for me. And in all these I don’t want to take a companion with me. It will perhaps spoil the relationship of the places with me.

Why can’t I fly like Christopher McCandless?