The Perfect Handshake

I don’t like handshakes.

There! I said it. I don’t like them. 

To start with I have never been able to master this simple mode of modern greetings used by the mankind. But more importantly there is always this constant concern on my mind, about the places that hand has been before it was forced into my palms.

We Indians love to take our hands to places. I will stop there and not elaborate further. But I have this little paranoia of being in the same places indirectly when I shake hands with another gentleman.

I don’t mind shaking hands with the fairer class, as it is my assumptions that they are more concerned about personal hygiene than the class I belong to. This is my part of mistrust and I can’t help it.

The second (or rather the first) issue is I don’t know what makes a perfect handshake. Should the grip be firm or loose, hands should be vertical or horizontal, shall I use both my hands, what is the ideal duration for which we should hold our hands (without being branded gayish), shall I lean forward or stand straight, who should initiate the handshake are some of the numerous questions that starts plaguing my mind as soon as I see a situation where I might have to shake hands with the other person.

Who should initiate?

I have no problems in initiating the handshake, but what if other person does not respond. There is a small but real chance of that happening. Does the “Perfect Handshake Manual by the Ministry of Hands” say something about it?

The firmness of the grip is another concern that bothers me very much. I was asked to shake hands time and again because my boss didn’t think my grip was firm enough. How much I wanted to tell him, that I just did not want to hurt him. After all he represents our country in one of the sports. But finally I mastered the technique, only to be confused the next time.

It was a sort of uneasy whine when I used the same firm grip on one of my female colleagues. So here was my lesson, never use the same grip for everyone.

I admit it. I am the king of the “handshake goof-ups” and if there was ever a record book to maintain the same, I will win the crown hands-down.

While cant we simply abolish this germ-ridden tradition and replace it with our simple Hindustani Namaste is difficult for me to understand. You don’t have to worry about the grip, duration, who initiates it, and other such mundane details. And for a change I might be able to abdicate my throne.