The story of a Bhaiya jee

To avoid ‘3 Idiot’ like controversy, I give full credit of the story to Sharma jee (the biggest BC’od I have come to know) and of course Akhilesh jee, without whose concerted effort this post would have never happened.

Akhilesh jee from Benaras, the city of IT-BHU has been a man of simple and humble mode of living. This is a true incident of his life…

AK was destined for greatness, so it was no surprise when he became the first one of his blocks to score in IIT-JEE exams. For obvious reasons his friends were in awe of him. On one fateful day, they all got an invitation from one of their friends, inviting them to his marriage.

Venue: Bhabua, (50 kilometers from Varanasi)

Well AK might have cleared JEE and all, but train travel was something he has never attempted. The same was true for all his other friends. Hence starts “Akhilesh ki pratham train yatra.”

Akhilesh ki pratham train yatra

The schedule time was 9:00 am. Well, AK might not have used Indian rail, but he sure knew how the system works. Never on time!

So, they arrive at the station a little late to compensate for the inefficiencies of railways. But the train’s starting station was Varanasi, and hence it left on time. Not one to lose hopes they went to Mughalsarai to catch another train. After a two hour wait, a passenger train arrives.

AK (to a person on the station): Bhaisahab ye train Bhabua jati hai kya?

Gentleman # 1: Jee haan!

AK chale apni sawari leke

So AK and his friends happily get on the train. They were waiting on the door when Bhabua station came. The train was travelling at a good speed, and to their surprise it did not stop at Bhabua.

AK (to another person on the train): Bhaisahab, hum to puch ke baite the, ki ye train Bhabua jaati hai kya, per ye to ruk hi nahi rahi…

Gentleman #2: Bhai, ye train Bhabua jaati to hai, per wahan rukti nahi hai.

As nothing was going right for them, so they decided against pulling the chain. People suggested them to get down at the next station from where they can get a return train.

After sometimes the train stopped at a small station. Not wasting a moment time, they all got down there. They enquired whether any train passes from there towards Bhabua and whether it will stop at Bhabua.

After sometimes a train came, and maintaining the same speed passed them without stopping.

AK (to the person who gave him info about the train): Bhaisahab, aapne to kahan tha yehan se Bhabua ke liye train pass hoti hai..

Gentleman # 3: Train to yeha se jaati hai per yehan nahi rutki.

By this time, AK-gang had enough of Indian railways and they decided to take a bus to Bhabua. They came out of the station and came to know that they can get a bus only at the next station which is 5 kms away. Seeing no way back and with no other option left, they travelled this 5 kms on foot only to realize that the last bus has left few mintues ago.

So they started asking for lift. Per ye zaalim duniya sirf advice de sakti hai, lift nahi… After an hour a truck agreed to drop them at a place Mohania (about 4 kms away from Bhabua). Once they reached Mohania, they hired an auto for Rs. 150 to Bhabua.

Is tarah se Akhilesh jee ki pehli train yatra samapt hui. Yehi soch rahe honge aap!!

Aisa hi kuch AK ne bhi socha tha… per picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.

On reaching Mohania, they asked the auto-wala about the address of the wedding venue. They showed the marriage card to the auto wala.

AK (to auto-wala): Arey Bhaiya, ye card per jo address likha hai, aapko pata hai kaha per hai..

Auto-wala (looking at them with total amazement): Arey Bhaiya, ye address to Mohania ka hai, jehan se aapne auto thik kia tha, aapko pehle puchna tha.

Even after all this, AK was not the one to lose faith on God. Again with some jugaad they finally reached the wedding venue. Like it was the last thing before their life ends, all of them attacked the food items. They ate like elephants and drank like camels. After some dance and celebrations they decided to congratulate the friend, whose marriage they were attending.

AK (to another person in the wedding): Bhaisahab, Kisna kahan hai?

Gentleman # 4: Kaun Kisna!

AK: arey kamal karte hai, jiski shadi hai…

Gentleman # 4: arey kamal aap kar rhe hai, shadi to Birju ki hai, aur aap log kaun hai?

AK equipped with his JEE brain suddenly realized his mistake and asked his friends to furtively leave the scene.

After another half-hour search they finally located their friend's wedding venue, wished him and went to sleep.

In the morning while leaving for Benaras, they decided that to avenge all that has happened to them, they wont buy tickets and make railway pay for them.

Currently they are standing in front of a T.T. at Mughalsarai station, asking him to forgive them. 

The story of a dude, the tale of a loser

Ek Rahe Dude, Ek Rahe Loser

Disclaimer: This is the real story of a dude and I have not made up any of the parts. To be honest some of the incidents are so hilarious that if I could really write such funny stuff then I would be calling Rohit Shetty for his next script. 

Incident 1

Dude is very happy. His vacations are starting on 4^th of a random month and ending on the 8^th of same random month. He is studying in an engineering college of New Delhi and his hometown is 'somewhere in UP'. What is there to laugh? Well he books a ticket from 'somewhere in UP' to Delhi for 4^th and a return ticket from Delhi to 'somewhere in UP' for 8^th. 

What! You said, you did not get the joke. Now I am laughing at you also.

Incident 2

Dude is pursuing some higher study degree in some other college now. Dude has taken some electives because of which his exams gets over on 12^th of April (year irrelevant). But because of his foresight he had his tickets booked for 14^th April. So he waits for two extra days, listening to all the jibes of his friends who had their exams ending on 14^th. When he is leaving for station on 14^th he checks his ticket to find that he had originally booked the tickets for 12^th only. He conveniently forgot this fact and somehow an angel (devil) in his dreams told him that he has booked his ticket for 14^th. 

Incident 3

Dude's Motto in Life: Chalo Dilli

Dude again plans in advance for New Delhi, this time not repeating mistake number one and two. So he books the ticket not mixing the return dates and marks the ticket date on every possible corner of his room. On the D-day (February 22, 2011), he leaves for the station. After nearly an hour or so, 'the Loser' gets a call from the Dude.

Dude: Oye, kal ERP ka end term hai kya?

Loser: Yes, why!

Dude: Yaar, maine ERP lia hai.

Loser: What! Then why are you going to Delhi?

Dude: I was so concerned about getting the tickets, train and station right that I forgot to check the schedule for classes…

Loser: hahaha…!!! (cellphones drops from his hand) he is rotfl, well not f but b(bed).

So the dude comes back to the hostel and checks the schedule just to be sure.

What are you thinking?

It is not over yet.

Our dude finds out that in addition to the ERP he also has his SMIT end-term a day later.

Meanwhile Loser is thinking, if he saved the Dude from getting forked in two of his papers than how come he is Loser and Dude is dude. Slowly, he resigns to the fact that the world operates in this way only. 

Amritsar: The city of Golden Temple

Amritsar- a city in the northwestern part of India, the city of Golden Temple, the city of Jalliawala Bagh, the city privy to the Independence movement, the city of Sikhs and the city of peace. The last description was a complete surprise to me as well. People always perceive Sardars to be loud and outspoken in their behavior, but the people of Amritsar are something different. It is like all the calm-headed Sikhs of the world have been told to gather in the city. Walking in the city, not knowing even a single soul does not matter at all; as everybody is in so much peace with himself or herself that it sometimes scares you.

I don’t know why I wanted to visit the city, as (a) I am not a Sikh myself and (b) I don’t know anybody in the city. But I always knew I had to visit the city. Every time I would plan my next vacation, Amritsar will the first place to pop in my head. I will never be able to explain the feelings in words or by the medium of this ordinary blog, but in my heart I know there was something. And finally the feeling grew so strong, that I had to visit Amritsar. With all the thoughts running in my head, I was convinced a trip to Amritsar is going to change my life forever. Hence it became inevitable that I don’t go to the city.

Convinced about my plans, I enquired with few of my friends if they wanted to join me to this trip. The truth was I did not care about anyone else joining me. I was so convinced of going to the city that I was going to do it anyway, someone coming or not.

If I had any apprehensions about the trip they all evaporated the moment I set my sight on the Golden temple. I had seen it in movies and picture, but I never believed a monument, a building of concrete and marbles, could make you fall in love with it. Till this day, it remains one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Golden Temple: One of the most breathtaking view

Totally mesmerized, I spent some 2-3 hours in the temple compound. After that I visited Jallianwala Bagh, situated right besides the temple. It is true the world today is a lot different than what it was at the time of independence, but seeing the monument, suddenly makes you lot more aware of your Indian-ness. 

Finally I ended my perfect day with a visit to the Wagah border, with the lowering of flag ceremony. 

Wagah Border

As they say a trip well planned.

The secure dilemma of an unsecure mind

Caution of Note: Don't try to understand the post below, as the chances are you won't be able to get anything.

The last post was written in a zest. It only captured my feelings, my malevolent wishes, the fragments of my insane mind, the uncooked thought…

I always had those thoughts at the back of my mind. Always the thoughts running in my mind, always imagining scenes, scenes running through my mind, as if I was actually living them. It was all very scary, but what was scarier was, I always felt relieved after each such session of scene play. The picture would concern, how the life will turn out, if my malevolent wishes come to reality. Still, never before I tried to give it a existence in the real world. Then as I wrote my thoughts on a piece of paper and then actually gave them existence in the form of blog, guilt started trapping me.

In the sake of self-exploration, I still continued. Each passing word, more difficult to form, more difficult to type… Thoughts more enmeshed in the complications, I am not able to figure out. Words running like crazy stallion, thoughts that are not making any sense at all. Still, this is the only path I think will ease me up, assuage me of my complexities, give me some perspective of the life that lies ahead.

Calmness, serenity is what I am looking for; so that I can think of reasons, think of logic. And logic, a strange vice, is somehow eluding me. I want to think of a reason or reasons, for the desires I have inside me. Cravings that were always there, but now I am not sure, why I want that.

Just to search reasons, for such straightforward feeling is proving to be a lot trickier than I anticipated. I can’t shrug of the guilt, and somewhere I have convinced myself that I am not wrong at all. Struggle, is what I have to deal with right now.

So, I leave the introspection part to some other time.

Incredible India- The city of temples, Ujjain

North of Indore lies, city of temples- Ujjain

I must admit that both my visit to the place has been unwillingly. Once with my parents and the other time with my relatives. The problem with my parents and most of my relatives is that their idea of a perfect holiday or a trip is to go to some religious place. Even in Goa they will search some temple and spend the time there.

It is not that I am anti-religious. I just don’t identify with their idea of religion. For me, there is God and here is me and there is no one in between, especially not the Brahmans and the Pundits. Religion is a part of life for me and not some set rules of processes and procedures.

Ujjain: A scene of the marketplace

So here I was, AGAIN! The thought of a religious place puts me off. I can’t stand those hypocrites Pandas and Pundits at these places. I really can’t fathom how can they really be at peace with themselves after how they hackle and con people coming there. On second thought, it is not their fault and every person who gets into their trap deserves it, including my parents and relatives.

Now, enough about those B*******d Pundits! Actually talking about those morons has really angered me and I have lost the thought of what I was supposed to write at first place and the rationale behind this post.

Okay, back to main post. It is no surprise that it is called the city of temples, as according to localites there are nearly 116 temples in the city, including the Mahakaleshwar Jyotirlinga temple. The temple is one of the twelve Jyotirlinga temples of Lord Shiva and second in Madhya Pradesh, apart from the Omkareshwar temple. The city has its root dating back to Mahabharat, and is considered as one of the holiest place by Hindus. I guess it forms a part of the Sapta Puri, or seven sacred cities

.

The Temple

By that standard I find the city really neat and clean. Maybe hosting a Mahakumbh every twelve years has its own advantages. As I have spent four years in Varanasi, so my idea of a religious place is benchmarked against that.

Reaching Ujjain is really convenient. The nearest airport is in Indore city. Indore has flights from both New Delhi and Mumbai. So one can arrive in the morning by flight, take a cab to Ujjain. The Intercity from New Delhi to Indore passes via Ujjain. So alternatively one can take the train and get down at Ujjain. The first time I followed the train route and the second time, the flight-cab route.

The city has got some descent facility for accommodation in the form of dharamshallas and hotels. Most of the accommodations are near the main temple. The definition of sightseeing in the city is the Main Temple, then some other temples, then some more temples and then some more. I guess you got the point.

Shopping consists of some Prasad, some statue and stuff like that.

A click on my mobile at 4:00 in the morning

One really interesting thing is the ticket system for the Bhasma-Aarti. You have to get a ticket. To get the ticket one needs to fill a form, provide a photocopy of personal Identification proof. Then go in the evening collect the form. Get up the next morning at around 2 or 3 in the morning, stand I a queue and be there inside the temple at 4 in the morning to see the Bhasma-Aarti. Sounds too tough, well I have done it twice, or shall I say, endured it twice. Still God is not listening to me. I don’t know what I need to do. :)

Breaking News: Liquidity and Volatility arrested on charges of Contraction' murder

Special Correspondent, Tarun Goyal

DALAL STREET, FINANCE CAPITAL: In a sensational revelation Liquidity has been help responsible for the murder of Contraction, as a result generating an environment of 'total spread'. Preliminary investigation shows that Liquidity was unhappy with the way Mr. Capital Market was acting on behalf of Mr. Foreign Exchange. To stop these two and avenge for its beloved High Money's rape Liquidity attacked Contraction. 

File Photo: High Money

It is known that Contraction was a business partner of Capital Market and Foreign Exchange. More important is the fact that Contraction was the prime accused in the case involving High Money's rape. Only last week he was released on an interim bail pending the hearing of his appeal. Till further reports come Volatility has also been taken into custody as a partner-in-crime with Liquidity. 

"We are monitoring the situation closely", said Leverage, the public prosecutor for the case. He is also the attorney general in the famous case involving Risk & Growth.

Some report term that the whole chaos is because of the promiscuous nature of High Money. Although no one is ready to quote anything but on conditions of anonymity some said that High Money has illicit relationship with both Capital Market and Foreign Exchange. It was only when Contraction tried to molest High Money in a party thrown by Capital Market that the situation got out of hand.

Right now no one is sure where is High Money. She is an important witness in both the cases, involving her rape and the murder of Contraction. Pranab Da, on condition of anonymity has said that Sardar has abducted High Money and is holding her captive in his private mansion situated at Mint Road. 

Chika(centre) trying to reason with Pranab Da(right), who has accused Sardar of abducting High Money as Sardar(left) looks on

Until further notice the general public has to do without the sensuality of High Money and pray for Liquidity's release. 

My love hate relationship

I was in the middle of writing a perfectly normal post, and there I spot her again.

Oh man! Come on!

Just a few days back I drove her out of my room. How shameless can she be? Can’t she notice, that I don’t like her? In addition to that, there is nothing in my 'perfectly clean' room for her.

Then I realized I not only ‘don’t like’ her, I am also afraid of her.

Yes, I admit, the fearless Tarun Goyal is afraid of lizard and for that matter, I am afraid of anything and everything that creeps. I just can’t stand them. And to add to my woe, none of my friends share my emotions. Just plain emotionless bastards!

They are perfectly okay about sharing their rooms with some complete stranger. They don’t mind if she is just crawling on the wall of their room or creeping on their floor. Not me, though! I tried to do this a lot of times, acting all cool, as if I don’t care, if it is in my room or not. But the longest I was able to do so was for 30 seconds.

So this time also I have to drive her out.

By now, I have more or less perfected the art of driving a lizard out of my room. The path was never easy, it was full of obstacles, and I learnt a lot by committing mistakes. With my lizard-repellant art, I went on to drive her out. Again!

After my inevitable victory, I thought this is becoming too much of a regular affair. So I turned to the great Google to help me out. Googled: “How to keep lizards out?”

I got nothing substantial. Too rub salt on my wounds, every search result will start with "most of the women are afraid of...". Come on you sexist pigs. Men are not always supposed to be brave. I also have the right to be afraid. I only got this little piece of crap. I have no idea whether it works or not. I don’t care, because I am not going to try it.

So I don’t know how to keep lizard out. What I do know is how to effectively drive lizard out of your room, once it gets in.

1. Keep a long stick/broom/pole handy with you. For me, it is always the curtain bar.
2. Close every almirah doors, drawers, dustbin covers and any other such things. I learned this lesson, a very hard way. It is a very tragic story, but some other day.
3. Identify the current location of your target.
4. Open all the windows and doors of your room. It might backfire sometimes though, because as you drive this creepy character from one exit, another one can take entry from the other side. But “risk to spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai, fir tum to ‘whatever’ ho”
5. Based on the current location of the target, identify an exit option for your unwanted guest.
6. Using your weapon (curtain bar in my case), tap on the opposite side, to where you want the guest to go. It means the guest should always be between, the door and the pole. As it will not like to run towards the pole, so it will run towards the door.
7. As soon as she goes out of the door, shut the door quickly. Shut all windows, and take a deep breathe, relax, you are safe now. Nothing can happen to you.

Some words of caution:

1. Always try to position yourself on an elevated place, like your bed, or table or chair. You never know the creep might want to take a stroll on the floor.
2. Always maintain a distance of minimum of one meter. Otherwise, in case, if it jumps towards your side, you might die of heart attack. I was almost on the verge on one, and now I am more cautious.

Even after all these, she manages to get hold of you, God be with you. ☹
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