The secure dilemma of an unsecure mind

Caution of Note: Don't try to understand the post below, as the chances are you won't be able to get anything.

The last post was written in a zest. It only captured my feelings, my malevolent wishes, the fragments of my insane mind, the uncooked thought…

I always had those thoughts at the back of my mind. Always the thoughts running in my mind, always imagining scenes, scenes running through my mind, as if I was actually living them. It was all very scary, but what was scarier was, I always felt relieved after each such session of scene play. The picture would concern, how the life will turn out, if my malevolent wishes come to reality. Still, never before I tried to give it a existence in the real world. Then as I wrote my thoughts on a piece of paper and then actually gave them existence in the form of blog, guilt started trapping me.

In the sake of self-exploration, I still continued. Each passing word, more difficult to form, more difficult to type… Thoughts more enmeshed in the complications, I am not able to figure out. Words running like crazy stallion, thoughts that are not making any sense at all. Still, this is the only path I think will ease me up, assuage me of my complexities, give me some perspective of the life that lies ahead.

Calmness, serenity is what I am looking for; so that I can think of reasons, think of logic. And logic, a strange vice, is somehow eluding me. I want to think of a reason or reasons, for the desires I have inside me. Cravings that were always there, but now I am not sure, why I want that.

Just to search reasons, for such straightforward feeling is proving to be a lot trickier than I anticipated. I can’t shrug of the guilt, and somewhere I have convinced myself that I am not wrong at all. Struggle, is what I have to deal with right now.

So, I leave the introspection part to some other time.